Me After You
Dear Ex,
Sometimes I wonder if it is love, hurt, pain, an inability to forget or just plain stupidity?
Whichever it is, it makes me sad. Memories of you make me sad. Yet I go back there all the time, cling to every piece of memory that escaped the expungement and all that the internet stored.
When does this end?
When do I get better?
When do I start to live my life again?
Because I see you living your life, I see you even moving on and I wonder how twisted this is that I can’t move on. Not because I want you back or will even take you back. I just can’t move on.
I want to love again but I know that all I have left in me right now is toxic love, the kind that will burn me and whomever I give it.
Many times I wonder why this hurt this much, why it changed the entire course of my life. I am not sure what the answer is but I think it is the fact that I had lived all my life with the underlying fear that I will love someone and my love will be rejected. So when it happened, the voices that have lived in my head all these years were validated and emboldened to scream the walls of my life down.
Now I sit with the rubble and just stare. Initially, it was uncomfortable because I had tasted a better life but now it is just my comfortable prison, my comfortable mess. I know what to do to get out but I just don’t do it.
